The Writing on the Wall

 2.02.16 Post Script to this blog:  I have just discovered this bit of writing which I had done, prior to my December seizures.  Hmmn, it is interesting to see that my thinking has not changed much between the episodes.  Below is what I wrote in November 2015:

The Writing has long been on the Wall.  My husband had a brain tumor and subsequent neurosurgery 8yrs ago to remove it, and so I have always thought life is very precious, that we should enjoy it to the MAX!  With this in mind, I resigned recently, to finish teaching at the end of the year (I am a kindergarten teacher), so I can spend more time with my hubby.  Gearing toward time together......I have convinced him to also drop his paid full time work.  It wasn't easy but I managed to do it!

The Writing on the Wall....

And then 3 weeks ago, I had 2 brain seizures.  Phew!  Out of the Blue!  No warning.  No feeling unwell.  Only a minor sore back to bug me.  Funny how Life throws curved balls, without you having any indication of them coming, fast and furious!  Just Bam!  That's it Ma'am!  Time to take stock of Things.  We learn as we go.  No dress rehearsal.  Just impromptu acting out on the stage of Life.  Learning the dance steps in the middle of the show!

A couple of days short of my 49th birthday, we went to bed after watching something on TV, next thing I woke up on the bathroom floor, wondering what I was doing there.  My husband was talking on the phone and the before I could comprehend, there were 2 ambulance officers taking me to hospital!  I was hooked up to an IV drip on the side of the road and then I knew no more.

The ebb and flow of Life.....

 Apparently I had 2 seizures, one at home at 2am, and then the second on arriving in the emergency ward at hospital.  My poor husband witnessed both and said he felt helplessness and despair.  I woke up in intensive care, hooked up to an IV drip.  My worst nightmare.  Or so I initially thought.  This nightmare was rather surprising, and I discovered that I was strong, even in my weakest moment! I could shuffle to the toilet and back, with my Drip on Wheels, and return to my bed, with a sense of Immense Achievement!

I have done a lot of writing on the walls around our home!

In our bedroom....just in case we forget where to sleep!!

The doctor was a Nigerian doctor, Dr O, with the most beautiful big liquid brown eyes and smiley face.  At first he thought I may have had a brain bleed and wanted to do a lumbar puncture to check if there was blood in my spinal column but I refused, politely but firmly!  He tried to convince me but I challenged him to try other avenues, and the blood tests came back to reveal dangerously low levels of iron and magnesium and haemoglobin (the oxygen carrying capacity of blood), so I was given 2 pouches of life-giving red blood cells, and antibiotics (aaargh!) via IV.  After 2 1/2 days I was allowed to check out.

A Starfish out of Water.......

 What I learned:

• The nurses and doctors in Tauranga hospital are the kindest, warm-hearted people I have met in any organisation!
• The ambo's from Katikati are un-rockable, un-flappable people you could ever wish for in an emergency.
• I am human.  I have weaknesses!  And I'm learning a lot!  About myself, health and well-being.
• I have so much to do before I expire!
• Food's horrid in hospital.
• Magnesium is VITAL for human bodies!  It helps avoid seizures.
• Healthy Living is like flying in the dark, without getting regular blood checks!
• I am loved and would be missed by friends and family!
• I have always feared the medical fraternity, but I have come to realise, we need them in times of weakness and illness. 
• I can take drugs (legal) for the first time ever, and I will survive, and even though I look forward to ditching them, for the time, they are maintaining an equilibrium I need.

Leaving Footprints on the Heart.......

The last hospital stay for me was when I had my first baby (23yrs ago)!  And even that was accidental (was supposed to be a home birth but my husband ended up calling the ambo's to find out how long they would take to get there if we needed them - they came anyway!)  So I have lived quite a healthy, happy life.  Eating organic, much of it home-grown.  Don't smoke, don't drink, don't eat meat........ hell, sounds like I don't have fun, but I really do!!

Sailing through Life......

I have sailed through life, considering myself extremely lucky to be able to avoid all the niggles of ill health.  I thought I was healthy.  I didn't realise my menorraghia (heavy, painful periods) were anything other than my "lot in life as a woman"!  Silly me!  Years of heavy bleeding (hormonal imbalances) takes it's toll on the iron stores in the body, which in turn can cause havoc in the body.  Now I know and I want to warn other women who tend to put up with menorraghia; get it sorted!

Now I am taking iron and vitamin C supplements, along with anti-seizure drugs - so goes against the grain of what I believe to be healthy living, but the scare was big enough for me to take heed and follow the doc's advice.  I have decided I still have lots more to achieve, to do, to experience and to be. I am also using Progesterone cream (my body apparently makes NONE of it's own, 0.2, which should be a 5.5- 10.0 reading !) There will come a time when my body can function on it's own again, without the aid of tablets and potions. Anyone interested in getting their hormonal progesterone level checked in Tauranga can do so at Patient Advocates Ltd.

I have felt lots  of love during this period, from my husband, my children, my friends and family.  It is amazing how a scare can bond you closer to others, perhaps they are reminded too, how fleeting this time is on earth.  How easy our demise.  How fragile our existence.  And in the end, all that matters is Love.

Life without Love is like a barren landscape with no hope of rain.

Love Hard!  Love Long!  Love Hugely!  Love every day!  Love yourself!  Wishing you all a long and loving Life.

Thank you for reading.

A New Life

So I haven't written in a long, long time!  Not because I didn't want to write.  I love writing!  Lots has been happening in my life, and I just didn't know HOW to write about it.

New Discoveries.

Since our trip to New Caledonia in October 2015, there have been some earth-shattering experiences for me.  In October and December 2015, I experienced multiple seizure episodes twice.  Out of the blue.  I should say, my husband experienced my seizures, as he's the one to have witnessed and dealt with them.  I have no recollection, except some briefest moments in between!  Every life experience affects us in different ways.  What I have gained from this experience, is immense gratitude.  So many things to be grateful for!

We live half an hour away from the nearest hospital, and our small local ambulance service rushed me to hospital in both instances.  I am most grateful for these fine dedicated ambulance officers, who are mostly volunteers from our small town.  I am grateful too, for the dedicated care and attention of the multi-cultural hospital staff in Tauranga hospital.  Fine empathetic folk, patient, caring and kind.  I am grateful to live in beautiful New Zealand, were all citizens have access to FREE hospital care!  Amazing!  I am grateful too, for a loving, supportive husband and family, who cared for me during and afterwards, and still do!  And I am grateful for supportive friends, who showed their care and love in a myriad of different ways.

Lastly, I am grateful to be alive!  There is still so much I need to do in this lifetime!

Cycles of birth and rebirth.  Each year, chamomile reseeds itself and regrows in our garden.

After my first episodes, I left the hospital and I was ANGRY!  Angry at my own body for being such an ungrateful traitor!  I have never smoked.  Never drank alcohol.  Never took any drugs, legal or illegal.  Ate healthy food.  Vegetarian for about 26 years.  Researched health extensively and took pains to understand about healthy lifestyles.  Grew much of our own organic fruit and veges for the last 15-20 years.  So how come I ended up with seizures??  Could not understand it at all.  In retaliation, I asked my husband to take me to the supermarket and to his utmost horror, I filled my basket with junk foods, my reasoning: my body was so pampered with healthy options, perhaps it needed to know exactly what abuse was, so it could work harder and be more grateful for all that good care it had been so used to!

Well, that soon passed.  I was wrong!  And I discovered the hospital tests revealed dangerously low iron and oxygen levels in the blood, which meant there was insufficient oxygen to my brain, resulting in short circuiting!  Hence the seizures.  This was apparently a long-standing problem! 
Now I knew a little more, but was still confused.  As vegetarians, we have always been aware of eating iron-rich foods.........then... Lightbulb moment!  I have had 30 years of heavy, painful periods.  But I had always just thought this was just my lot in life.  Women's cross to bear.  Never thought anything more of it!  So we saliva-tested my hormones............... shock, horror!  My body produced almost NO progesterone.  Hence the menorraghia (abnormally heavy bleeding at menstruation). 

Everything in Life is about Balance.

While still coming to terms with our findings, I had my second bout of seizures.  Hospital and independent Saliva tests confirmed the hormonal theory, and CT, MRI and ECG's all revealed nothing too spectacular.  Tumours were ruled out.  Another aspect to be extremely grateful for.  I am now on anti-seizure drugs (haha, me, who did not support the use of any form of drug, in whatever shape or form!), also adrenal support, hormone and vitamin therapy.  I am still getting used to being a pill-popper.  But at the moment, I have no choice and I am hoping the anti-seizure drugs are a short-term solution which is going to last only 6-12 months till I can get my hormones under control!

Butterflies undergo incredible metamorphosis.  This is my metamorphosis.

What I have learned:

• The body is resilient.  It has been deprived of what it needed for so long, and yet it still managed to keep on keeping on.
• I now have short term memory loss.  There are so many, many little things I do not remember since the seizures.  Names of friends.  What I did in the few months leading up to my episodes.  Where I have put things. The list goes on...
• We should not just accept pain and discomfort as "our lot in life".  
• When we show our weaknesses, true friends will always be there to show support.
• It is okay to let someone else take the lead, to hold your hand and show you the way when you have lost your direction.
• Every day I learn something new, about life, about humanity, about myself.
• You might think you have everything planned, but sometimes, unplanned events just happen, and you have to keep up!
• Life is precious, and magical.  We should celebrate our living.  Do little things each day that make you happy.

Find the beauty all around you.

There are also several changes that I have made in the last few months:

• Mike and I had decided to stop working for a salary, just BEFORE my seizures.  Providence, of which I am now truly grateful.  Kindergarten teaching is a hectic environment, and one has to give 100% to the job.  I am only operating on 80% right now.  Our home environment will provide a healing space to be in.  Our living allowance will be a Mini budget, not a Mercedes budget, but we are used to living on the smell of an oily rag, so we should survive, particularly since we grow 80% of our food!
• I am not allowed to drive for 12 months following the last seizure.  This is one of the most painful changes, as I have a gorgeous little Honda Jazz that I love to drive, with all the independence and freedom that provides me with.  But, I have two working legs, better get used to using them!  These are my new mode of transport!
• My husband and I had planned to celebrate this year (2016) as we turn 50 and 60yrs respectively, with a long-dreamed-of trip to Spain, Portugal and Morocco.  We still plan to go!  Life is precious.  Live it!
• We are going to devote more time to getting fitter.  We are already on the way!

These words of wisdom come to mind, which I have always treasured in the past, and even more now,  as I face a future I have no idea of what it will look like.

"...Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
      

 

.

"Several years ago, this paragraph from A RETURN TO LOVE began popping up everywhere, attributed to Nelson Mandela's l994 Inaugural Address. As honored as I would be had President Mandela quoted my words, indeed he did not. I have no idea where that story came from, but I am gratified that the paragraph has come to mean so much to so many people."

Marianne Williamson

Beautiful and wise, wise words, thank you Marianne Williamson!  They inspire me to Shine!

Let's all Return to Love.  With Love, anything is achievable.

 

A New Life.   2016, Morocco here we come!                      (Sculpture by Shayni Green.)

My Crazy Valentine

Some sing songs about their loved ones.  "My Boy Lollipop" and such like.  I blog mine.  I know Romance is the flavour of February 14th but why wait?  I wanted to reflect on Sustainable Relationships.  And I wanted to keep it real. Sustainable relationships - how do they look?  Different in each and every one of them!  Ours is about dialogue.  He taught me how to confront issues, I taught him that not every issue needs confronting. He taught me about World Religions and Politics.  I taught him about looking closely at small nature miracles and figuring out how things work. 

My Crazy Valentine.  We argue like cat and dog, play games like cat and mouse, sing songs together like Sonny and Cher and have a love story that spans nearly 3 decades (27 to be precise).  He likes chocolate, I like salty chips.  He likes reading, I like gardening.  He likes driving, I like staying.  He likes adventure, I like backyard stuff.  We're different, but we're same!  We both love saving the earth projects.  We love our home and garden, life and family.  We love music.  Lots of it, and different stuff from World to Rock.  

I do the cooking.  He makes the salad.  We both do dishes.  He turns the compost and mows the lawn.  I sow seeds and tend the seedlings.  He sorts the finances.  I do the fixing.  He plans holidays, I do the packing.

He's the Door to my World

My Own Garden-Hand Stud-Muffin-in-Boots

My Valentine.  When he is away from home, he calls EVERY night to connect.  When we come home, we sit and share a cuppa tea and the day's events.  I know him (sometimes  even better than he knows himself) and he knows me.  I have known him longer than I have not known him (more than half my life).  We discuss everything before we make decisions - not always without heated debate.  We have learned to not go to bed on an argument.  We have learned how to talk and more importantly, how to listen to one another.  We tease one another often and have fun together.  He writes poetry for me on birthdays and Valentine's Days. I have learned how to respond in a similiarly, less eloquent, amateur manner -ala-Dr. Seuss-kinda-kindy-rhyme.

He is the World at my Feet

He uses quiet reasoning in a debate, I swear a lot in the heat of the moment. He apologizes, I do not.  I meant what I said when I said it, 100%!  He won't let go of an idea, like a bulldog with a cat- scented rag in his mouth.  I detach easily.  He panics, I keep calm and reflective.  I'm the yin to his yang.  And vice versa.  He organizes little surprises for me.  A night away.  The pimping of my car.  Thoughtful things.  I do his laundry and create his culinary delights.

Our Pool of Love

He gives me Wings to Fly

We're our greatest critics and supporters.  We level each other like a backhoe and praise one another like a gospel choir. We appreciate what it takes to make a relationship work - HARD FRIGGIN' WORK!!  When asked by our children, how they will know when the "right" one comes along, I pragmatically claim that it is not so much about the "right one" and much more about working it out.   We work hard together.  We each have our own whackiness. When the world sniggers at us, I get him and he gets me.  That's all that counts.  Get it?

Here's a poem he wrote for Valentine's Day, a couple of years ago:

Despite Me

Even though I forget where I put my keys

I know

I can never forget

The wonder

of you.

Even though I am losing my marbles

I know

I can never lose

the fever

When I look at you.

Even though

I drop food on my shirt

I know

You are 

Drop dead gorgeous. 

Even though

I dribble when I play the drums (courtesy of Jamie Oliver)

I know

I still love

To make music

with you.

Even though

I don't make sense sometimes

I know

I still love

to hold you.

Even though

I am me and you are you

I know I love it when you do,

When I hold you and you hold me

Kiss me and love me like you do.

Be Mine.

He's the Water to my Lotus Flower

Here's this birthday one from some ways back:

A Birthday Wish

For the one I love a special wish,

Just turned 40 and, wow, what a dish.

The years roll by like words in a song,

Whilst you remain forever young.

Fly in sumptuous colour, gossamer wing,

When I think of your radiant splendour, it makes me sing.

And when I am in the room with you,

You bring sparkling magic to every view. 

Enjoy the wonderful years that await,

Have a glorious birthday and be my date.

And there is a whole drawer full of such memories.  My wish is that others will reflect on their own Crazy Valentine and cherish the memories you are creating together.  This is what sustains us.  Sustainable Relationships.

He's the Krishna to my Radha

PS.  I okay-ed this with My Valentine, before posting.